FACING IT

Hi guys, I’m making a second guest post here.

It actually took me a while to finish it, probably ‘cause I’ve got so many thoughts I wanna share but they’re hard to get down in writing.

Since the last post, I’ve moved back home with my parents due to my apartment lease running out.

And I’ve stopped using my cane and orthosis and now walk completely without support. My hand is coming by in small steps, nothing fully functional yet.

And my mind often wanders to thoughts as ”I should’ve died & why didn’t I…”

It feels like I have too much time on my hands now since I’m not working for the time being.

Thankfully I’m doing physio 3 times a week at a stroke rehab centre and some on my own at home.

Constantly torn between trying to do what’s most fun for me & what’s best for my rehabilitation.

Most days all I want to do is to stay in bed and sleep ‘til all the troubles are fixed but I know I would both hate myself if I do + I would be bored.

And some days I feel like I want to work out every minute of the day, and the very next day I’m regretting waking up..

When I look back at the year I’ve had I’m almost stunned, I’ve seen miracles such as, someone taking their first steps from their wheelchair and laughing of excitement, but I’ve also seen people starting to cry because of not being able to open a soda bottle.

A lot of people ask me; don’t you get sick of it all and feel like giving up? Sure as hell I do, on a daily basis as matter of fact, and every day I break my spirit down a little all by myself (not intentionally of course but still), and I keep on bringing it up all over again .

And I’m also very tempted, tempted to just settle with where I am now, and stop trying to get my hand to work.

I recently ”celebrated” my 1yr anniversary, mixed feelings on that day, but I’ve come a hell of a long way the last year so mostly positive feelings.

And I have been inspired by Saj to start my own blog actually, but more of a food blog, with meals that are easily prepared with only one hand, it will probably be up & running in the next few months- I will keep you posted. I post a lot of my progress & other parts of my life on instagram @pellenil.  ‘I will keep on fighting ’til the end’, believe that!! All the love here from the South of Sweden!